how to get a boyfriend 101

everyone needs a boyfriend. why? so you have someone to buy you things, get you flowers, think you're pretty when you really look like shit, and to hold your hair while you puke. but you're not going to get one wearing sweat pants& throwing up! so here's a nice little how-to guide to getting any guy, any age, any time.


but before you put on your hoochie pants and lip gloss, you might want to consider the age of the guy you're trying to put a ring on.
for little boys...you want to look as youthful as possible! i suggest overalls, light up sneakers, hair in pigtails, and always always have a ring pop in one hand and a nice big glass of kool aid in the other.
for teenagers...less is more. never wear a bra. or a shirt for that matter. if you really feel the need to wear pants at least cut out the crotch. and the answer to any question they ask is YES!
for old men...three words: juicy, velvet, sweatsuit. 


once you've got that down, now you can get down to the nitty gritty...
1) be obviously available. wear an id bracelet that is bedazzled with the word S.I.N.G.L.E. while you're at it actually, bedazzle everything you own with that word. for variety you can also include things like: available, easy, do me, i want you, call me, i want a boyfriend. whatever.
2) be a go getter. try as hard as you can to get his attention. bump into him on purpose, accidentally make your shirt come off, make your face fall into his face, you get the idea.
3) make jokes. i especially like ones about sex, poop, animals, and food.
4) have big boobs. the bigger the better. if yo momma didn't give you much...fake it till you make it. wear as many bras as necessary. 
5) do your makeup as if you were a cat. but don't just stop at cat eyes. whiskers and a tail could be fun too!
6) style your hair as if you were a disney princess. the longer, the bigger, the better!

how to diet during the holidays.

chances are, for the holiday parties you want to look like:

this:

and not this: 

so how to you go about the holiday food& parties& alcohol and look HOT, not HORRIBLE? that's where i come in to help(:

1. go craaaaaaaaaazy. decorating that is. make your house look so fan-freaking-tastic that you don't have time to bake! if you're in the mood to make fudge, trim the tree. if you really need a gingerbread house, use cardboard. 

2. dress well. and no, i don't mean look niiiiiiiice  or faaaaaancy or whatever. wear as little and as tight as possible. when your pooch is hanging out from your skin tight un-flattering colored bandage dress, the bacon wrapped cream puffs probably won't taste as good.

3. chew other things! gum, your finger nails, tree ornaments, whatever. anything besides food! you can also make a game out of this, see how many non food items you can eat before the host notices that her special hand made baby jesus decoration is gone! you can also see how many pieces of gum you can fit in your mouth, etc. 

4. pretend you're very young or very old. baby children and old people are probably the pickiest eaters in the whole world besides myself. if they don't really like the 900 calorie PER SERVING three cheese and deep fried bacon casserole, they probably won't eat it. be the same way. if it was store bought, don't eat it unless it was from someplace suuuuuper fancy. so none of that wal mart shit. and if it was homemade, DEF don't eat it. who knows how good of a cook that person is, and there will probably be hair in it. people who make food at home don't usually wear hair nets. 

5. don't skip meals. if you fill up on fat free rice cakes and calorie free celery at home, you won't be hungry for the bean dip and cupcakes. 
6. channel your inner cat. cats never, ever, eat someplace new until they are super duper comfortable. so until someone puts butter on your paws and forces you to lick it off, don't eat!
7.have more fun& eat less food. do this by playing games! you don't need to sit down and play scrabble. in fact, it could be more fun if you're the only one who actually knows a game is taking place! play i spy...pretend you're a mime...speak only in sign language...play go fish...pretend you're blind...pretend it's opposite day...try to walk around with the bible on your head...the options are really endless. 
8. get drunk. but carefully. if you participate in all you can drink egg nog or lose track of how many hot buttered rums you've had, you did this one wrong. anything sweet or yummy that doesn't look, sound, taste, or smell like alcohol is off limits. what you want is straight up 150 proof whatever. after a few shots of that, you'll probably forget you were even hungry in the first place. you might also forget to wear pants, or that you're married, so be careful.
9. appetizers are off limits. appetizers is code for: small-little-fat-packers-that-you-think-are-low-calorie-so-you-eat-fifteen-of-them. celery is your best friend, mini quiches are your worst enemy.


that's all i can think of. but if all else fails...screw dieting and plan to purposely look like fucking santa claus. EMBRACE YOUR INNER FAT ASS! eat all you want, tell the gym to put it where the sun don't shine, and just starve yourself for the whole month of january to make up for it(:
happy holidays and happy eating!

hi, i'm dying

if you know anything about me, you know that i miiiiiiiiiiiight have a slight case of hypochondria. that being said. i google sicknesses a lot. and how to cure these sicknesses. so THIS is probably the coolest thing ever. HOME CURES to everything, from being sick to lots more. just call me holly the hypochondria homemaker, holla(:

some like it hott (;

i prefer mine iced, with a straw.
ten canadian dolla dolla billz goes to the first person who knows what i'm talking about! 


also,
seriously,
for reals, 
check back soon for my take on shirtless teenage wolves.


i hope turkey day was lovely for everyone! now go work out (by shopping duuuuuuuuuh)

uhhh what

so, since i am a mind reader& everything, i know exactly what YOU (oh yes, you) are thinking. besides the fact that you can't wait for turkey, and wanna do the dirty dirty you are thinking who are you?!?!?! who is this funny woman giving me all this AMAZING advice?! well. i have a confession to make. i am actually hotter than H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS. yes, yes i am. so instead of making you go to bed at night imagining megan fox, or whatever. i thought i'd share with ya'll what i really look like (: 
sweet dreams 

wanna get pulled over? version 2.0

so, maybe you tried all the ideas i suggested (tried& true my friends) on how to get pulled over, yet still managed to escape the fate of the law?? well if you're one of those lucky biotches, or maybe you just didn't try any of those ideas (and if that's true, f you. i worked hard testing all those out just for you)!! then here's another one(: props to my hero for the pic!

i'm honestly really upset that i didn't think of doing this when someone STOLE MY MIRROR! yeah rude. maybe i'll it anyway just for kicks. but if you do try this just remember...objects in mirror are not closer than they appear. except for yo wrinkles! 

p.s.

i watched breaking dawn yesterday...OH LORD. check back asap for my thoughts on sparkly vampires& preggy robots...

22 ways to piss me off

all of these are in no particular order, they will all make me equally un-happy! except for number 0, that one takes the cake.

0. say "it's better to be pissed off, than to be pissed on" no. 

1. be annoying. obviously...
2. drive. if you drive a car, you need to stop. or at least learn how to drive! for realz, no one in this town knows how to drive. omggg.
3. make me drive somewhere. that means i have to deal with the people above who don't know how to drive!
4. get drinks that have nonfat milk and no flavor and no whip and no FUN. be exciting! have some calories!
5. be laundry. some day i will be rich enough to wear things once and throw them away or give them to charity or something noble like that. 
6. post a status on facebook that starts with "that awkward moment when...." 
7. drink the last diet coke. seriously??? 
8. tell me what happens at the end of a movie that i haven't seen.
9. take forever and a half to text back.
10. text things that are one word.
11. text k. holy holyness it will take TWO SECONDS to also type the letter o. you can do it!

hmmmm strange...i can only think of 11 things that piss me off....i had a very long nap today, obviously... 

to end with, last night i lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and i thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling...

101 ways to get pulled over

not to toot my own horn but, *toot toot*! i'm pretty pro at getting pulled over. so if you're bored& feel like being a little dangerous here's some ways to get pulled over easy peasy (:

1. drive at strange hours of the day. between 2am and 5am should do. cops are bored& like to prey on innocent speeders trying to make curfew! 
2. speed, speed, speed! 5 miles over isn't going to cut it. if you're not going 15 over, you ain't livin on the edge. literally. if you are speedy speedy and go around a corner, you risk putting your car on one of its edges. 
3. don't speed. go 20 in a 60. 
4. drive backwards. the whole drive. includes neighborhoods, freeways, ROUND-E-BOUTS!
5. pretend you're a dog and drive with your head out the window.
6. don't defrost your windows.
7. don't scrape ice off your windows.
8. follow #s 6& 7. but not 5. you'll have to guess where the road is, but it's fine.
9. break like a child in drivers ed.
10. eat while driving.
11. nap while driving.
12. pop a zit while driving.
13. call 911 and report that someone is driving while talking on the phone. give them your license plate number.
14. drive in the left lane.
15. drive the wrong way in a one way road.
16. drive the wrong way on the highway.
17. drive in the bike lane.
18. take #17 one step better and drive on the sidewalk.
19. woohoo while driving.
20. read my blog while driving :D

trashy movies.

get your head out of the gutter, i'm not talking about trashy movies (i'm saving that for my next post topic hehhe). i'm talking about trash AND movies. but that wouldn't be as good of an attention grabber (;

so, trash: garbage, something worthless and unwanted, smelly stuff, coffee grounds. it all looks somewhat like this ...

what i have learned recently is that, prepare yourself...people don't like garbage. especially people who can afford $12 breaky every day.
so i would just like to let everyone know, i don't like trash either! i don't like trashy girls (you know who i'm talking about...), trash the club (their logo is a nudie girl. weird!), trash the band (i actually have never heard their music, i'm just assuming it's trash), or trash as in the things you $12 breaky throw away!

that being said i would appreciate it if i was no longer gawked at when i play around in garbage bins. i'm not very tall and it's the only way i can get the trash in the darn bin! so please, don't honk at me, don't yell out 'ha ha wish i had my camera' or any other thing you think is funny. it isn't. and trust me, i would much rather be inside cooking your warm breakfast than frolicking with coffee grounds in the rain!

moving on, to...........movies!

i don't watch very many movies. i have the attention span of a puppy when it comes to deep, moving movies, i look like a raccoon and risk having an asthma attack when i watch sad movies, scary movies make me sleep with the late on for dayz,  and people laugh at me when i rent kiddie movies. so i just avoid them in general! 

but last night i watched a movie that must not be named with a person who must not be named. it was a comedy. it could have been decently funny, if not for this teeeeeeeenie weeeeeeeeenie little factor:

said companion laughed before every funny part and said, quote, "hahahahahahha omg hahahah this next part is sooooooo hahahahah fuhahahhanny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". let me tell ya, it made it no longer funny. 

FINALLY i'm done rambling. but not before i make a tribute to my 'husky'. you know who you are hunny buns! (;

seriously...i'm serious.

^^^^^^ yeah right.

but seriously. i was sitting here not writing my essay. watching Americas funniest home videos. eating ice cream. drinking diet coke. when i realized, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum i am a lucky fella. think about everything that i have, that you have. if you think about it, we are all lucky bitches just to be alive. 

the person i would like to thank for this is not the big guy in the sky, but joe shmoe next door. and all the other troops, past and present.

thank you(:

i'm hungover

jaaaaykay! 
but i do have a hard core headache! 
so my excuse for my absence...i don't have one. i got my wisdom teeth out, that was cool. not. i was dominated for a solid week! no bueno mis amigos. 


uhm what else is new, whoreoweekend (halloween weekend, ya dig) just recently happened. i change my mind about how i feel about sluts on halloween about every two seconds. my thoughts;
1) most of the girls who dress up on halloween are sluts in their everyday life, they are HOES FO SHOS anyway, if they want to wear a thong and call it a costume, go for it. i already know you have like 7 stds sweetie, you're not fooling anyone (except that you're fooling AROUND with everyone heheh)
2) for normal people who like to wear clothes, this can be a fun way to gaaaaasp, show some boob or something. go for it! have fun! if this is the one night a year some people feel it's okay to wear a v-neck, then by golly you wear that v-neck!
3) i can't decide any other feelings i have about this 'holiday'

frat boys, romcoms, and starbucks.

you might be wondering "hmmm...what do those three things have in common???"

probably not much, eh?
well, they are all three easy to get attached to, and hard to get rid of. but i think that's where the similarities end.


so frat boys:
i think carrie underwood said it best when she said "the more boys i meet, the more i love my dog" aaaaaaaand that's all i have to say about that.


romantic comedy's:
i've decided i don't like them. they are un-realistic. i'm sorry, but in a REAL relationship, if i left my man& baby to run away to vegas to do something and then i changed my mind i would not be gettin him back. in real life, kissing in the rain isn't cute, it's uncomfortable. have you ever felt sexxaaaaay in wet jeans? yeah didn't think so. your wingwoman isn't going to magically fall in love with you like you want her to. and if i had to remind my boyfriend every day that we were dating, i'm sorry it just wouldn't work out. so screw all those damn romantic comedy movies. my life is more a mix of the bad girls club& all the food network shows.


starbucks:
aka, my life. soooooo like every normal (hehe) person, i have complaints about my job. i'm not a morning person, 3am is when the partaaaay should be getting started, not when i want to wake up. i don't like to run around for 8 hours every day, and i just love the people who order cappuccinos and decide after it's been made they want it sliiightly dry. but for the most part i love it there! singing baby got back even when the lobby is full of customers, getting partners to do my homework, and especially my customers! i love talking about all the blind dates that 'triple venti vanilla latte' goes on, 'grande nonfat extra hot latte' tips $5, 'two double short cinnamon dolce lattes and a rf very berry coffee cake' is a cutie patoooooootie and it's so sweet that he gets coffee for his mom, 'venti pike with cream& 3 sugar' is channing tatums twin, i swear, and finally 'iced venti caramel macchiato' gave me $95 dollars worth of hair!! i've been given things before, everything from business cards, to fruit, energy drinks, eyeshadow, and a cupcake. but hair?! ahhh (: 
i cut my hair lately and look like a 12 year old boy. she came in this morning& we were talking about how homo toddler i looked& she said i looked cute& went on her way. LITERALLY a minute later, she is back at the speaker& is all like "i have hair extensions you can have! i don't wear them, they are real, were on sale for $95 blaaaah blah i'll bring them tomorrow!" and i was like yaaaaaaaaay i love you free drinks for life but didn't really think much of it. she didn't pinky promise so really anything could happen with that, and besides she's not a morning person. soo maybe 15-20 minutes later she's back AGAIN with the hair! yeeee omg lol heheh yay (: they are super dark BUT minor detail i'm just way beyond excited! 




thoughts to leave you with:
"when one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us"
helen keller

costume cr8zyness

if you're anything like me (hopefully you're not) you're bored of most Halloween costumes! guys are always cowboys, girls are refs, couples are nuts and bolts, babies are pumpkins, and kids are disney stars. so i took it into my hands to help& think of actual GOOD costumes for ya'll! i even have cute ideas for your favorite furry friends.


women:

pebbles!

griff gal

i like these because they are suuuuuuuuuper cute and creative! they have sex appeal without showing your vag to the world. what more could you ask for.

boys:

i'm actually not sure exactly what he is. please don't wear this.

boys fart all the time anyway.

DREAM costume. i will pay someone to wear this(:

couples:

i guess this is the same idea as the nut and bolt, plug and outlet, hotdog and bun. but this is at least shiny!

ladies, put your man in his place (;

babies and tots:

now i understand why old people say they just want to 'eat babies up' awwwwwwh.

i actually want this hanging from my car...

all kids these days have cell phones anyway.

kids like toilet humor!

pets yaaaaaaaaay:

great, now i want fries.

polly wanna cracker?

hi i'm crying

hmmmm, having an emotional day today. it's my friday, and i'm soooooo ready to have a morning that doesn't begin at 3am! right after work i spent literally 5 hours on a project i had no idea how to do, and now have two essays to write ): maybe that's why i find this video SO DANG CUTE!

naaaah, i'd think this was freaking adorable even if i wasn't on the brink of exhaustion. 


but there is another reason i'm a lil bit off my emotional rocker today, i haven't had my usual 47 hours of doing nothing on facebook ): i downloaded this handy dandy horrible tool called stayfocused for google chrome. it limits the amount of time you can spend on chosen sites, like facebook or myspace if anyone still uses that, or iheartbananas.com, or whatever your little heart desires to waste time on. while i'm super happy that i actually got a solid amount of homework done, i just can't do good stalking in ten minutes.


but this really has been a roller coaster day because i'm in a crazy happy festive mood! i love holidays. like, love them. i celebrate everything from pie day to christmas and everything between. and in just days halloween will be here! to celebrate, i found this...enjoy (;
hahahah rofl lol hehehe omg

reason #329 why old people shouldn't operate machinery

disclaimer: i guess it would be safe to say that i hate lots of things...you will never catch me eating a pickle, i would prefer to walk a bazillion miles than to drive for five minutes, elevators make me cry, and cheese is just gross. but old people is not one of the things on that list! they remind me of helen keller in the way that they can't see or hear but are still solid parts of our society. most of the time their baking is good (although i always check the expiration date of foods in an old persons fridge before i eat it), and if they don't need to take a nap break halfway through, they often have good stories to tell. but the one thing that old people should never, never, EVER be allowed to do is operate machinery of any kind. 




example 1:
a few weeks agoish (like an old person, i have memory problems) i was minding my own business driving about in a wal mart parking lot. as i was on my way to the exit i see this very eldery and very, very senile old man driving full speed-think 30mph-straight towards me. wal mart is a crowded parking lot& i drive a tank, so i do the only thing i could do...honk. what does old man gramps do? drive faster towards me. so long story short, he ended up scraping my bumper and driving away as if nothing had happened. his license should be revoked.

but no, this inability to drive is not just limited to men and cars!
example 2:

last week i was again MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS in the magazine isle of fred meyer. i was distracted by the cover of the female body building magazine (don't judge me, she looked creepy) when i hear a crash and look up just in time to see an old gram gram hit my cart head on with her little scooter cart. she looks behind her to see one of those little book stands toppled over with all the books on the floor, then looks at me says 'heheh woopsies' and zooooooms away. she probably doesn't even have a license. i hope.

if that isn't enough to convince you that the elderly shouldn't drive, then i don't know what is!


so on a much better subject besides crazy old peeps i have a new song obsession! it's not thaaat new of a song but all of a sudden i'm in love with it. like, it's been on repeat on my itunes for 6 times so far (: take a gander at it!

love letters and monkeys

have you ever wanted to tell someone something but just couldn't?!

well if that's the case, then you need to check out http://lettersillneversend.com/

it's a place where you can write letters to that person who you wanted to tell you love or hate or whatever else! they never know, but you still get the satisfaction.

then, to the monkey business (haha)

my obsession of the day has been..............

it's the perfect way to avoid homework without eating a whole jar of peanut butter!

toddlers and tiaras

as a fresh fishy in college, i'm constantly asked "hey homie, what are you going to do with your life" well, today i had an epiphany& have figured it out!

i should mention that, this epiphany came to me when i was inhaling cosmetic products and was probably more of a high thought than anything else, but just go with it (:

so back to the story-i was fake spray tanning my sister& realized THIS IS COOL! i am giving a young person the power to feel all orange& cool (like snookie!!) and as she complained that the spray was too cold and that it smelled bad, a loved it.

so guys, i'm going to be a pageant mom!!! i might need a baby daddy& a couple million dollaaas to accomplish this task, but so far, i'm confident i can make it happen!

whaaaaaaat up homies!

hi everyone!
(uhm, by everyone i mean taylor neubauer...)


most people don't know this, but i actually have quite a few thoughts swimmin around in this brain of mine, sooo instead if just letting them go to waste, i thought i'd share them all& everything else that goes on in the life of a blonde mexican right here!


so uhhhh yep check back soon hollaaa<3