how to get a boyfriend 101

everyone needs a boyfriend. why? so you have someone to buy you things, get you flowers, think you're pretty when you really look like shit, and to hold your hair while you puke. but you're not going to get one wearing sweat pants& throwing up! so here's a nice little how-to guide to getting any guy, any age, any time.


but before you put on your hoochie pants and lip gloss, you might want to consider the age of the guy you're trying to put a ring on.
for little boys...you want to look as youthful as possible! i suggest overalls, light up sneakers, hair in pigtails, and always always have a ring pop in one hand and a nice big glass of kool aid in the other.
for teenagers...less is more. never wear a bra. or a shirt for that matter. if you really feel the need to wear pants at least cut out the crotch. and the answer to any question they ask is YES!
for old men...three words: juicy, velvet, sweatsuit. 


once you've got that down, now you can get down to the nitty gritty...
1) be obviously available. wear an id bracelet that is bedazzled with the word S.I.N.G.L.E. while you're at it actually, bedazzle everything you own with that word. for variety you can also include things like: available, easy, do me, i want you, call me, i want a boyfriend. whatever.
2) be a go getter. try as hard as you can to get his attention. bump into him on purpose, accidentally make your shirt come off, make your face fall into his face, you get the idea.
3) make jokes. i especially like ones about sex, poop, animals, and food.
4) have big boobs. the bigger the better. if yo momma didn't give you much...fake it till you make it. wear as many bras as necessary. 
5) do your makeup as if you were a cat. but don't just stop at cat eyes. whiskers and a tail could be fun too!
6) style your hair as if you were a disney princess. the longer, the bigger, the better!

how to diet during the holidays.

chances are, for the holiday parties you want to look like:

this:

and not this: 

so how to you go about the holiday food& parties& alcohol and look HOT, not HORRIBLE? that's where i come in to help(:

1. go craaaaaaaaaazy. decorating that is. make your house look so fan-freaking-tastic that you don't have time to bake! if you're in the mood to make fudge, trim the tree. if you really need a gingerbread house, use cardboard. 

2. dress well. and no, i don't mean look niiiiiiiice  or faaaaaancy or whatever. wear as little and as tight as possible. when your pooch is hanging out from your skin tight un-flattering colored bandage dress, the bacon wrapped cream puffs probably won't taste as good.

3. chew other things! gum, your finger nails, tree ornaments, whatever. anything besides food! you can also make a game out of this, see how many non food items you can eat before the host notices that her special hand made baby jesus decoration is gone! you can also see how many pieces of gum you can fit in your mouth, etc. 

4. pretend you're very young or very old. baby children and old people are probably the pickiest eaters in the whole world besides myself. if they don't really like the 900 calorie PER SERVING three cheese and deep fried bacon casserole, they probably won't eat it. be the same way. if it was store bought, don't eat it unless it was from someplace suuuuuper fancy. so none of that wal mart shit. and if it was homemade, DEF don't eat it. who knows how good of a cook that person is, and there will probably be hair in it. people who make food at home don't usually wear hair nets. 

5. don't skip meals. if you fill up on fat free rice cakes and calorie free celery at home, you won't be hungry for the bean dip and cupcakes. 
6. channel your inner cat. cats never, ever, eat someplace new until they are super duper comfortable. so until someone puts butter on your paws and forces you to lick it off, don't eat!
7.have more fun& eat less food. do this by playing games! you don't need to sit down and play scrabble. in fact, it could be more fun if you're the only one who actually knows a game is taking place! play i spy...pretend you're a mime...speak only in sign language...play go fish...pretend you're blind...pretend it's opposite day...try to walk around with the bible on your head...the options are really endless. 
8. get drunk. but carefully. if you participate in all you can drink egg nog or lose track of how many hot buttered rums you've had, you did this one wrong. anything sweet or yummy that doesn't look, sound, taste, or smell like alcohol is off limits. what you want is straight up 150 proof whatever. after a few shots of that, you'll probably forget you were even hungry in the first place. you might also forget to wear pants, or that you're married, so be careful.
9. appetizers are off limits. appetizers is code for: small-little-fat-packers-that-you-think-are-low-calorie-so-you-eat-fifteen-of-them. celery is your best friend, mini quiches are your worst enemy.


that's all i can think of. but if all else fails...screw dieting and plan to purposely look like fucking santa claus. EMBRACE YOUR INNER FAT ASS! eat all you want, tell the gym to put it where the sun don't shine, and just starve yourself for the whole month of january to make up for it(:
happy holidays and happy eating!

hi, i'm dying

if you know anything about me, you know that i miiiiiiiiiiiight have a slight case of hypochondria. that being said. i google sicknesses a lot. and how to cure these sicknesses. so THIS is probably the coolest thing ever. HOME CURES to everything, from being sick to lots more. just call me holly the hypochondria homemaker, holla(: